Apnea

I suffered a loss recently. A friend I cherished is gone. I haven't really been talking about it with anyone, as my feelings are still jumbled and muddled. I repeatedly console myself with thoughts of new mermaid tails I'm planning to purchase [just got one of them after some careful financial planning], of being under the water again soon in Florida or hopefully some exotic location, of continuing my freediving education. But losses are still losses, and when you value another person's presence in your life, losing that presence bruises and blackens your heart. I keep busy with work and promoting my website and my mermaid for hire business, as I am trying to get my bookings scheduled for the summer months, when people are thinking about coastal themed parties and mermaids. The mermaid top I'm building is turning out quite well - it's the first time I've ever built anything like this and it's more work than I anticipated. Since I've purchased a new tail, I've also started making plans for a second mermaid top, though this second one will have to be less complicated since I will have less time to work on it. But all the activities in the world are just distractions for the sadness I feel. Working on constructive activities helps alleviate the grief. It's good to be able to forget the sadness for a short while, but it always returns, like waves on the shoreline.

I experience grief more intensely than most people. It lingers for years. I feel the wind continuously rushing through that empty place in my heart when someone is gone. These days there are so many holes in my heart that the wind rushing through it plays its own song to haunt me. Some losses I was able to process more quickly than others. This one will sting for a while. Some beings in our lives are irreplaceable. I don't agree with that saying about how some people are only meant to be in our lives for a season. For me, it was always those beings that meant the most to me. It's cruel that they can be gone at all, never mind gone so quickly. I hope to one day feel less pain from this newest wound in my heart, as the pain from this one will never completely disappear.

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